In Dreams of Mine
Warmth pressed against Caryn’s naked body, and velvet softness brushed against her lips. Her eyes fluttered open as she rose from slumber. Sudden realization that there was another person in bed with her struck, and her arms instinctively rushed to cover her breasts.
“Who–who are you?”
“It’s not who I am that matters.” The intruder smiled, long dark hair flowing around her face, shadowing it. “It’s why I’m here.”
Caryn pushed the woman away. “Look. I don’t care why you’re here. This is trespassing, and I want you out. Or I’ll call the cops.” She tried to keep her voice even, but it wobbled slightly.
She laughed. “You can call them, if you will, but they won’t find me. No one but you can ever find me.”
“Bullshit. You think you’re that invincible? Now come on and tell me why an arrogant fuck like yourself would break into my home. If you’re some kind of burglar, you’re shit out of luck. I’m broke. I don’t have anything. You might’s well’ve held up some poor homeless bum on the street.”
“I’m no burglar.”
“Then what the fuck are you?” Caryn backed up against the headboard, trying to remain calm, or at the very least, unruffled, even though her heart beat like it was trying to explode out of her chest. “And why are you here? Are you–” Her eyes widened and she trailed off for a moment, her breath catching in her throat. She recovered it. “If you want to rape me–”
This just made the woman collapse into helpless giggles. “I have to say, that’s one of the funniest ideas I’ve heard in my life. Me? A rapist? And how am I going to do that? I don’t think I’ve sprouted a cock while we’ve been talking, but you can check, if you want.”
“You don’t need a cock to rape someone.” Now Caryn wished she had continued to keep a knife by her bedside. She used to, but stopped when she woke up one night with the blade pressed to her wrist.
The woman tilted her head to the side. “No, I don’t. But you obviously don’t believe I’m a rapist or of any threat to you, or you wouldn’t have mentioned it. Unless you’re just a very stupid girl, and, while you’re many things, stupid isn’t one of them.”
“I’m not afraid of you. I don’t need to be. I’ve got a gun here, and I know how to shoot.” She tried her best to sound hostile, fishing under the pillow as if a gun were hidden there. “I’m giving you one last chance to leave, bitch, and then I’ll start shooting.”
“You don’t have a gun. If you did, you wouldn’t have threatened to call the police.”
Fuck. Bloody fucking hell. “I said, leave, or I swear to God, I’ll shoot.”
“Go ahead. You insist you have a weapon? Well, then.” She swept her arm out towards the pillow, calling Caryn’s bluff. “Take out your non-existent gun and shoot me, then. I highly doubt fantasy bullets will affect me.”
Caryn didn’t move.
“Don’t try to bluff me, Caryn Shepard. I know you too well.”
Her heart jumped into her throat. “How–how do you know my name?”
“‘The shadow knows,’” she said, imitating a deep man’s voice. “Your favorite movie, isn’t it, Caryn?”
“Who the hell are you?” Anger flooding her with adrenaline, she yanked a cord, turning on the overhead light. The other woman didn’t blink. Chestnut brown hair tumbled down to her waist. Freckles speckled her pale skin, and mint green eyes sparkled mischievously out of a cherubic face. She wore a dark t-shirt that said “Save a horse–ride a cowboy,” a pentacle held by a dragon, miscellaneous silver rings, and tight black jeans.
She shrugged. “I told you, it doesn’t matter who I am, but why I’m here.”
“Fine.” Caryn put her hands on her hips, not caring that her breasts were bared. “Why are you here?”
The woman edged closer, sitting on the bed. “You’re lonely, aren’t you, Caryn?”
She snarled. “Fuck my feelings–”
“That would be difficult.”
“Go to hell.”
“No thanks. I’ve been there, and I’d really rather not go back.”
She looked at her strangely. “What do you mean?”
The other woman shook her head. “I’d rather not clarify at this point. Let’s return to the subject. You’re lonely. You miss him, don’t you?”
Shock tingled through her mind and body. How the fuck … “I don’t have anyone to miss.”
She threw back her head and laughed. “Honey, stop bullshitting me. You’re a decent liar, but you can’t lie to me. About anything.”
“All right. So I can’t lie to you. So you might’s well tell me. How the fuck is it that you know these things?”
The woman opened her mouth to speak, and the loud ringing of Caryn’s alarm clock exploded in her mind.
She shrieked as she sat straight up in bed, frightened, sweating. The woman was nowhere to be found. Rubbing her eyes, Caryn sighed. “Thank God, it was just a …”
Caryn trailed off as she realized that the overhead light was on … and a small silver ring that she didn’t recognize lay on her bedside table.
Shock jolted through Caryn like an electric current. She sat up and turned the light on. The woman stood, smiling. Tonight her hair was pulled back into a braid instead of flying loose. She still wore black jeans but today she had a Rogues Do It From Behind t-shirt. “Who the fuck are you?”
“I told you last night, that doesn’t matter. Call me Eris. It’s not my name, but it’ll do as well as anything.”
Caryn balled her hands into fists. “Fine, Eris, how about getting around to telling me why the fuck you’ve invaded my house?”
Eris shook her head. “I haven’t invaded your house.”
“The fuck you haven’t. How did you get in here and how did you leave?” When she’d checked the doors and windows the previous morning, everything had been just as she’d left it when she’d gone to bed. “I want answers.”
“I don’t think you’re in a position to demand anything.” Eris smiled again, arching an eyebrow. “I haven’t come here to harm you. Rather, I’ve come here to help you.”
“How the bloody hell do propose to ‘help’ me?” Sarcasm lined her voice. “Oh, wait, I forget. Breaking into people’s houses in the middle of the night and interrupting their sleep is a new form of therapy. Right, and I’m the test subject.”
Eris chuckled. “You always were a sarcastic bitch.”
“Yeah, that’s me. A sarcastic, defiant, cheating, man-hating, worthless bitch who can’t fuck to save her life and who might’s well kill herself and get it over with, cause all she’s good for is fucking things up.” Bitterness didn’t just creep into Caryn’s voice; it bashed it over the head, dragged it into an alley, raped it, and stole its wallet, to boot.
“I didn’t say that.”
“No, you didn’t.” Memories washed through Caryn’s mind, memories of her ex-husband screaming at her, the nights they spent fighting from dusk till dawn, never-ending tears … the streams of abuse spat from his mouth that still haunted her. “You didn’t …”
“You still miss him.”
“Yeah. Yeah I do.”
“Even after everything he did to you.”
“Yeah.” Caryn shook her head. “Why the fuck am I telling you this?”
Eris shrugged, still with that haunting smile of hers. “Cause I’m the only one there is?”
She snorted. “Bull. There’s plenty of people I could talk to.”
“Do you trust any of them?”
“Well … no … but …”
“So that leaves me.”
Caryn stared at her, incredulous. “You’ve got some nerve! First you break into my house, and now you expect me to confide my inner secrets in you?”
Eris shook her head, clucking her tongue. “You should know by now, Caryn, that you have no secrets from me.”
“Come off it. You’ve never met me. You probably just heard rumors from Peter–I’ll bet you’re one of his friends, bitch.”
She stepped closer, sitting on the bed again. “I’m not. I know your secrets. Want me to prove it? Fine, then. I know you had sex with your twin brother when you were eight. More than once. Playing at being husband and wife, parents thought it was just innocent games, they didn’t know what was going on. Kept it up for years, your special secret, till he got killed by a drunk driver at thirteen.”
The blood drained from Caryn’s face. “You–you–you could have found out from Kendrick.”
Eris snorted. “Yeah. Sure. What, you think I knew your brother in middle school, that he confided in me? Right-o, honey. And the president was found fucking the Prime Minister of Britain up the ass in a magnolia tree last week.”
Caryn made a face.
“But, if you want another example, fine. You’ve been trying to kill yourself ever since Peter left you.”
Her tongue went dry and her mouth opened and closed, but no words came out.
“Mmm-hmm. Knives, pills, all that shit. Never had the nerve to go through with it, never told anyone about it, either. Never actually cut yourself cause then people would find out. Right?”
Caryn nodded numbly.
“Now do you believe me?”
“I–I–I have no choice, do I?” She swallowed hard.
Eris shrugged. “There’s always a choice. You could choose to be stupid and refuse to accept obvious truth. Or you could choose to accept that you have no secrets from me. It’s up to you.”
“I–okay. So you know everything I’ve done. Why are you here?”
The other woman reached out and touched Caryn’s nude body, caressing her shoulder. “You’re lonely.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Don’t lie to me. Tell me the truth.”
Caryn sighed. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m lonely. Ever since Peter–I haven’t found a guy I wanted. They’re all–disgusting assholes.”
“Like him. But you still miss Peter.”
“I do.” She shook her head, not understanding why she was giving in and opening up to this strange woman. It’d been so long since she’d trusted anyone … Hell, last person I trusted with my heart was Peter, and look what he did to it. “I don’t know why.”
“Because for all that he was an asshole, he gave you something no one else ever did. He gave you permission to have wings and the courage to fly.”
“At least in the beginning,” Caryn said, darkly. “Then he tore them, like they were his. Tore ‘em and stomped ‘em into the ground. He tried to make me his fucking slave. Sit at home all day, guzzling beer, while I worked my ass off for him. Promised me he’d get a job, promised me he’d do so many things …”
“Peter promised a lot of people that he’d do a lot of things. You weren’t the only one.”
“I know I wasn’t. He did it to a lot of other women, too. The fucking bastard cheated on me, and had the gall to spread rumors that I was the one doing the cheating.” The memory of it still made her blood boil.
“I know.” Eris inched closer, till she was pressed against Caryn. Her hands wrapped around her waist.
“What are you doing?” Caryn tried to pull away.
“Giving you a hug, silly.” The other woman embraced her, firm, her clothing rubbing against Caryn’s bare skin. An incredible feeling of inner warmth, happiness, of being wanted, filled her. Eris drew back after a moment, but kept her hands on Caryn. “It’s been a long time since you’ve had a hug, hasn’t it?”
“I–yes.” She nodded.
“It’s been a long time since you’ve had any other human touch, hasn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“Over a year, hasn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“It’s been years since you’ve had this?” Eris kissed her, soft warm lips touching hers as hands caressed her sides and then wrapped around her
back, holding her close. Caryn was shocked at first, surprised … she’d never been touched like that, not by another woman … but she relaxed after a moment, heat surging between her legs. Velvet tongue licked at her lips, not trying to force into her mouth like Peter always did, just … tasting and feeling and … giving …
Eris pulled away and tilted her head slightly. “Hasn’t it?”
Caryn’s breath choked in her throat. “I–I–yes.”
“Peter never touched you like that. He never wanted to. He only took what he wanted. He couldn’t make your body sing. Kendrick was the last person who made you feel that way. Wasn’t he?”
Her cheeks burned red with shame. “Yes.”
“Look. Honey. It’s nothing to be ashamed about. You were kids.”
“We were in love.”
“I know.”
“We were brother and sister. It was incest. It was wrong.”
“If he’d been older and taking advantage of you, then, yeah, it would have been wrong. Same if it were the reverse. But it wasn’t. It was innocent–”
“If it was innocent, we wouldn’t have had to hide it.”
“You loved each other. It was a deep, pure, true love. Because you were siblings–shouldn’t alter that fact. Shouldn’t make it wrong.” Eris shook her head, pursing her lips stubbornly. “You knew love.”
“Yeah. I knew love. And he died. Died.” Tears tugged at the corners of Caryn’s eyes as she remembered her brother’s broken, comatose body, and her parents’ order to take him off life support when it was obvious there was nothing they could do. Her voice choked in her throat. “Ken loved me. He wouldn’t have left me. Death stole him from me, from my arms.”
“And you didn’t look at another guy till you got into college. Till you met Peter. Peter, who pretended to be everything Ken was.”
Caryn couldn’t stop the tears now. They streamed down her cheeks and she tried to control her voice enough to speak. “I–I–I was stupid and–and–and–I fe–fe–fell for i–it.”
“You weren’t stupid, honey. You were desperate. You wanted what you had with Kendrick. You thought you could have it with Peter, and Peter encouraged that belief. He was a master manipulator, and you … honey, you were heartsick and searching for what you’d lost. He snatched onto it and took advantage of it.” Eris pulled Caryn close, whispering into her ear. “It wasn’t your fault. You’re not stupid or ugly or worthless or any of the things he said about you.”
“How do you know that?” Caryn pulled away. “You may know about me, but you don’t know me. For all you know, I could be the selfish, uncaring bitch Peter said I was.”
“You’re not. Don’t tell yourself you are. Don’t believe what he said about you. It’s not true. Not a bit of it.”
Her eyes fell to the floor. “It’s hard not to when everyone else believes him and not me. I … I lost a lot of friends to him and his lies, Eris.”
“Those friends … will either eventually see Peter for who and what he is, or they won’t, and if they don’t, it’s not much of a loss. And not everyone believes him.” Eris fingered Caryn’s chin and brought her face up to look into her eyes. “I don’t.”
Caryn sniffled and wiped her cheek with her hand. “Th–th–thank you.”
“You’re nothing like what he thinks you are. You’re beautiful, and just the way you are, intelligent and bright, strong … you’re a lot of things he’s not.”
“I–”
“Don’t argue.” Eris kissed her again, hands running along her back, clawing just slightly with her fingernails, bringing them around to cup her breasts, squeezing. Caryn’s nipples hardened, and she breathed hard.
When Eris pulled back from the kiss, she gasped. “I–I–I’ve never been with a woman before …”
Eris tilted her head to the side, a half-smile on her face. “Do you have a problem with it?”
She had to think about that for a moment. “No … I just … I never thought … I mean, I always thought I was straight. I never … thought about other women.”
Eris chuckled. “Trust me, honey, I’ve been around the block a lot, and you’ll have a lot more fun with a chick than you will near on any dude. You find a guy that’s good in bed and not an asshole out of it, you keep him, cause those’re few and far between.”
She caressed Caryn again, sending shivers through her. “If you don’t want this … say something now, and I’ll stop. I don’t want to hurt you. I’m not here for that.”
“What are you here for, then?” Caryn’s voice quivered.
Eris laughed and kissed her. “To heal you.”
Caryn snorted. “If just sex could heal, don’t you think I’d have done something a long time before now?”
“What I offer isn’t just sex.”
“Then what is it?”
Eris embraced Caryn, green eyes shining with sincerity. “Love.”
Tears of a different sort welled up in Caryn’s eyes. “N–n–no one’s ever said anything like that to me since … since Peter and I started dating me.”
“And he didn’t mean a bit of it. I do.” She hugged Caryn again and laid her back against the bed. When Caryn opened her mouth to speak, she touched a finger to her lips. “Shh, now. Unless you’d rather I stop?”
Caryn fell silent.
“I thought as much.” Eris’s eyes glittered with amusement as her hands explored Caryn everywhere, touching her in places that sent thrills up her spine, turning her into a moaning, begging puddle on the bed. She stared up at the glaring light in the ceiling, nearly blinded, hands tangled in Eris’s hair.
Eris took her time. She didn’t rush, like Peter and even Kendrick had. She played with Caryn’s body, playing it like a battered, broken instrument restored to greatness. Caryn cried out as Eris brought her to the edge and backed her down more than once, her body singing like it never had before.
Caryn near lost her mind when she came, hips thrusting against Eris’s talented mouth, screaming with the strength of her orgasm, feeling joy and pleasure and sweet release wash over her like a hurricane against the coast.
Eris crawled up beside her as she tried to catch her breath, mind and body simultaneously shocked, and wrapped her arms around her, holding her close. “I said it was good,” she murmured.
She cried into Eris’s shoulder. “I–I–no one’s ever–ever done–that for–me before. Ken loved me, but–”
“But Ken was a boy,” Eris finished gently. “I’m a woman.”
“Yes.” Caryn nodded. “He–if he’d had the time …” She trailed off, because she knew if Kendrick had lived, they would have eventually have been caught … and that would have been an utter disaster, for the both of them.
“Shh.” Eris hugged her again and kissed her forehead. “Sleep now, honey. You haven’t slept well in so long, have you?”
She shook her head and burrowed it against the other woman’s breast, yawning. “No … I haven’t …”
“Then go ahead and sleep. You’re safe now.”
Caryn let herself drift away into Eris’s protective arms.
Her jaw about dropped in shock when she opened it. Peter stood there, looking as well-groomed and polished as he always did. He smiled, flashing that brilliant, perfect movie-star smile at her. “Hey, sweet–it’s been so long. I’ve been worried about you.”
She snorted, the initial shock wearing off. “Worried about me? Right. And the president’s a pink gorilla.”
Peter looked a little taken aback. “Sweet … I mean it. I … I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since we broke up. I know I did a lot of rotten things to you, and I wouldn’t blame you if you slammed the door in my face right now, but … I want to apologize for everything I did.”
“Sure you do.” Caryn leaned against the door frame, blocking the entrance.
“I mean it. I don’t expect you to believe me, but I mean it. I’m sorry, and … I want you back, Caryn. I love you, baby.”
“No, you don’t.” She shook her head. “You never loved me. You never cared about me. All you wanted was a piece of ass and anything else I could give you. You always took. Take, take, take, see what else you can get out of the bitch. See if you can get her to give you her heart on a silver platter.” Caryn didn’t cry. She balled her hands into fists and snarled. “Well, guess what, Peter? I’m not stupid. I gave you my heart once. I’m not going to give it to you again.”
“I mean–”
“Fuck off. Just fuck off and leave me the hell alone. But go somewhere else to do it. I’d rather not see your ugly cock again, and I sure as hell don’t want your cum on my doorstep.”
His eyes widened. He obviously hadn’t expected that response. “Caryn–I–you never–”
“Never talked like this before? I’m not the naive girl I was before, Peter. I’m not as weak as I once was. I don’t need you, and I don’t want you. I don’t have anything to do with shitheads like you anymore,” Caryn spat. She closed her hand on the doorknob. “If I haven’t made it clear already, this ought to. The day I come back to you will be the day Christ sucks Satan’s cock while God fucks him up the ass. And if you so much as contact me again, I’ll get a restraining order put on you. Goodbye.”
She slammed the door in Peter’s shocked face.
Caryn sat up, blinking into Eris’s light green eyes. “Yeah?”
“This is hard for me to say, but … I’ve been with you a long time now.”
“Months,” she agreed.
“I’ve done what I need to do here. It’s time for me to go.”
Shock pounded against Caryn’s head like the worst of migraines. “Wh–what? You can’t be serious–”
Eris closed her eyes and took a deep breath before reopening them. “I am serious. I can’t stay with you.”
“But–why–”
She sat up all the way, crossing her legs and steepling her fingers, chestnut hair falling down her back in waves. “It’s time for truth. I’ve been here for months and yet I’ve never told you anything about myself. I know that’s driven you up the wall.”
Caryn scrunched up her face. “Yeah. It has.”
“Well, there’s a reason. I told you Eris wasn’t my real name, and my real name still doesn’t matter. But who I am does. Look at me, Caryn, into my eyes.” Her voice had a level of seriousness that Caryn hadn’t heard from her before. “I’m you. Or you’re me. Or however you want to look at it.”
“Wh–what the hell do you mean?” Disbelief clouded Caryn’s mind as she shook her head, staring at Eris.
“I mean, we’re the same soul.”
“That’s insane,” she said, flatly. “We couldn’t coexist on the same plane if–”
Eris inclined her head. “Exactly. Haven’t you wondered why I only come to you in your sleep? I’ve connected to you from your next life, in my own dreams.”
“But … why? If what you say is true, why would you want to come here, to me, in a past life? What the fuck does it matter to you now?” Caryn could barely wrap her mind around the whole idea.
Eris kissed her forehead. “Because what you did in this life affected me in mine–or you in your later life. I discovered in past-life regressions that you never recovered from Kendrick’s death and continued to search for someone to replace him. You thought Peter was that person. He left you, and when he came back …” She trailed off for a moment.
Caryn nudged her. “When he came back …?”
She met her gaze. “You went back to him. He fucked you over again like he did the first time, only worse. He got you pregnant, gave you HIV, and you killed yourself and your daughter when she came out HIV-positive and he left you for the second time.”
“Oh … my … God …” Caryn tried to assimilate the new information. “I … but I wouldn’t do anything like that!”
“You wouldn’t now. Can you honestly say that before I came to you, you wouldn’t have? You tried to kill yourself more than once before, Caryn.” Eris squeezed her hand. “Be honest with yourself.”
Caryn looked down, shame filling her with a queasy feeling. “I … you’re right. I would have.”
“That’s what I came here to stop. I could only touch your mind through dreams, and I prayed to the Goddess that it would be enough.” She smiled. “I’m glad it was.”
“So what you’re saying is … now you have to leave? Why?” Caryn grabbed at Eris’s hand. “You can stay here, with me.”
“No. I can’t. And it’s not my choice.” She shook her head. “When I–we–wake up, everything will have changed. The Goddess gave me one last time to speak to you before the timeline changes. You changed your path when you refused Peter tonight. You’re strong now. You have your dreams back, you have wings and the courage to fly–and you didn’t before. You don’t need me anymore.”
“But … I want you, Eris.”
“Honey,” Eris said, gently, reaching out to stroke Caryn’s hair. “I am your future self, and I am about to change. You set everything in motion. You have your new life–and I have mine. Nothing in life stays static. Life is change, and we have to embrace it … or else go stagnant. And stagnation is worse than death.”
Tears streamed down Caryn’s cheeks. “I love you …”
“You love yourself. It’s time to move on. You’re strong. You’ll survive this. Move on from me. This is your life. You’ve been drifting along, never taking charge, letting the river move you. You’ve got your boat and your paddles. It’s time to take charge.” She made that characteristic half-smile of hers. “You know what you want in your life. Take it. Take your dreams and find yourself a nice chick to take up with. I know you’ll find one. You’re not going to fall for assholes like Peter anymore.”
“No.” Caryn sniffled and wiped her cheek, rubbing away tears, managing a small smile. “I won’t.”
Everything began to go foggy as she began to drift towards consciousness. “My time here is done.” Eris kissed Caryn one last time and held her hands. “Move on. Be strong. Survive. Seize life and live it to the fullest. Promise me you’ll do that. Promise me.”
She woke to darkness, her air conditioner whirring quietly in the background, tears staining her vision. Eris’s kiss lingered on her lips, and she started to cry uncontrollably.
Her gaze fell to the bedside table. Eris’s dragon pentacle lay there, a silent reminder. Caryn sobbed one final time as she took it in her hand and held it to her chest. “I promise.”
Posted by Nonny under Uncategorized