Ether

“He’s gone, Kayla. He’s gone.” Tears tugged at the corners of Lou’s eyes. He wiped them away, smearing his perfectly applied eyeliner. “Gone.”

Kayla’s heart went out to him, and she leaned across the table, squeezing his hand. She didn’t know what to say, so she didn’t say anything at all.

“I can’t believe it.” Lou stared at the white wood coffee table, or rather, past it into nothingness. “It was just like every morning … woke up, made coffee, he kissed me before going out the door to work … told me he loved me … and he didn’t come home, he never came home. I prayed so hard that God would take care of him, Kayla, I prayed so hard … and then I got the call. Murdered.” He squeezed her hand hard, so hard it hurt. “They killed him cause he was a fag, they carved it on his body, burned his flesh … tortured him … fucking fanatics, they killed him!”

Horror filled Kayla’s mind and body once again, and she felt sick to her stomach. She’d read the newspapers, but hearing it in Lou’s own words was … so much more real than a reporter’s apathetic article. “But they’ve caught the killers, Lou. They’ll be put in jail–”

“That’s not going to bring Kat back.” Lou shook his head. Tears stained his face, his makeup now completely ruined. “Nothing’s going to bring him back. Nothing. He’s–gone. Gone forever, Kat.”

Lou laid his head down on the table and wept.

* * *

He didn’t get home until past midnight, even though he had to be up at six AM for work. He’d spent most of the past hours drinking with Kayla and other friends after they’d left the coffee shop. There wasn’t a chance in hell he’d be feeling well enough to drive, much less work.

Lou’s sweat-soaked hand rested on their–his–apartment’s doorknob. He started to sob again. I don’t want to go in … it won’t be the same without Kat, it won’t be home …

For a moment, the urge to turn around, find a payphone down in the main entry, and call a friend to see if he could spend the night nearly overcame him. No. Lou pursed his lips and tightened his grip on the doorknob, turning it. If I run now, I’ll be running forever.

He opened the door before he could change his mind, and his jaw dropped, opening and closing without making a sound.

Kat stood directly in front of him, like always. Dark curly hair tumbling down his shoulders on one side of his head and cut in a short, conservative male style on the other. Bearded on one side, shaved clean on the other, with dark burgundy lipstick on that side. Makeup on the feminine side that favored his deep cocoa-colored skin, nothing on the masculine, clothes hand-tailored to represent both the masculine and feminine … Kat had never conformed to societal gender expectations. In fact, he chose to outright defy them.

“K–Kat–” Lou finally managed to say the words. “Y–Y–You’re–dead–”

“I know.” Kat smiled, the same crooked half-smile Lou’d fallen in love with, eyes crinkling. “You didn’t think I would leave you, did you?”

* * *

The next time Kayla saw Lou, he looked worse than before. The skin below his eyes sagged, his hair was unkempt and snarled, and he’d neglected his usually pristine makeup.

What scared her worst was his eyes–wide and full of fear, pain, and anguish.

“Lou, honey,” she said after a moment’s hesitation, touching his arm. “What’s wrong?”

“I–I–you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” He shook his head and averted his gaze.

“Try me.”

Lou sighed. “You’re not going to give up until I tell you, are you?”

She grinned. “Nope.”

“You’re a nosy bitch, you know that?”

“Thank you. Nice to know the practice has done some good.” Kayla squeezed his hand. “Now. Won’t you tell me what’s wrong?”

Lou drew in a deep breath and stared down into the plastic lid of his coffee cup. “I–Kat’s dead.”

“Yes, I know that. I’m sorry, honey, really, I–”

He cut her off mid-sentence. “But he’s still here. He’s haunting me, Kayla. Kat’s there, in my bed, every night. He wants me. He loves me. He wants to be with me now as he was in life. And … he can’t.” Tears started to stream down his cheeks.

Kayla blinked, surprised. She would’ve found it hard to believe, except that she’d had prior experiences with ghosts of her own. “You mean, he hasn’t moved on?”

“No. He hasn’t. He doesn’t want to. And … God, Kayla …” Lou leaned back with a deep breath and stared up at the ceiling. “When I first got the news that he’d died, I would’ve given anything for him to be with me still, even if I could only have part of him. I didn’t think that … I didn’t think that it would hurt this much. I want him and he wants me in ways that are never possible.”

She closed her eyes slowly, letting out her breath and nodding. “I know. I know, honey. I’ve–had ghosts follow me around before.”

His eyes shot down to meet hers. “Then you know how it is.”

“Yes. I do.” Kayla reached out and took his hand. “You’ve got to convince him to move on. Else he’ll just ruin both your lives.”

“I know. I just have to have the courage to do it.”

* * *

Kat was waiting for him when he returned that night. He tried to kiss Lou and passed straight through his face. “I keep hoping that will change. Maybe someday. Maybe if I wait long enough … maybe I’ll find something. Then we can be together again, like we were before, my darling love.”

Lou closed his eyes, looking away. Dear God, he didn’t want to have to say it, didn’t want to have to break Kat’s heart like that, but … There’s no other choice. He has to move on. “Kat … it’s time for you to go.”

His lover–or what had once been his lover–blinked at him, confused. “What do you mean? I–I love you–”

“I know you do.” It hurt so much to say the words, he felt like his heart was going to break into a million pieces. “But you have to move on. This isn’t working, and it’s not going to. We both want things that can’t ever happen.”

Kat stared at him. “Someday–”

“There won’t be a someday, Kat. What you want–what I want–is impossible. We have to accept that.” He took a deep, shuddering breath. “You have to move on, into the ether, to the Lord’s arms. I love you, Kat. Wait for me there, in Heaven. When it’s my time, I’ll be there. I promise you that.”

“Do you–do you really mean this?” Kat reached out for him again and flinched, eyes filled with pain and sorrow. “Do you really mean it, Lou? I’ll stay with you as long as you want–”

“Are you happy with me like this? Are you happy, only being able to be with me at night, not able to touch me, not able to do any of the things we used to? It’s a half-life, Kat. Hell, it’s not even that. It’s a shadow. Do you want that?”

Kat wiped tears away from his eyes. “No. I–I’ve been staying for you, love. I’ve been staying because you needed me.”

“I’m strong. I’ll survive. But I don’t know I can survive the pain of seeing you every day like this.” There. He’d said it, the words he’d feared to say for weeks.

“Then I’ll go, and I’ll wait for you. You can move on and love another if you choose, but always know that I will be there for you, waiting. I love you, Lou.” Kat leaned forward and kissed Lou’s lips.

For a second, he could feel the corporeal touch of warmth, the passion, the love, just as he had when Kat was alive. But only for a moment. Then Kat passed through his body into the ether.

Lou fell to his knees and wept.

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